Remembering the Vow (an opening statement)

28 November 2008

Ecclesiastes 5: 4-7

"When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fool; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, "My vow was a mistake." Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the works of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."


As I remember the things I mentioned early yesterday to Marian, I think I greatly scarred my vow of singleness to God. Yes, I'm still single. And yes, I have no intention of changing that any time soon, but then, the mere fact that I still have no intention of engaging in a romantic relationship just for the reason that I'm waiting for him to come back home and pursue me is a great breech of vow already.

I vowed to God that until I graduate from college, I won't allow myself to entertain any romantic relationship. Along with that, I also vowed to devote my single life to having HIM as the center of my life and love, as well as serving Him in every way I could.

But then, a few months ago, there came my way a guy who "changed" me almost dramatically. Change in a way that now, I'm too vain to even look at myself in front of the mirror without examining my "attractive and not-so-attractive" parts. I hate it. Always being conscious about my pimples and my vital statistics and if I'm not a looker enough to earn even a little remark from him. It irritates me. But I can't help it. Or more definitely, I can't intentionally help it. Because, I guess, being this vain is just a part of me I just didn't know then because I always denied it. Of course, I wouldn't want to hurt my little too big pride since I've always disliked "vain people." Judging them without even looking at my reflection. How childish. How me.

Yes, I do know I am childish. And a rotten one at that. And yet I always pretend that I'm not. Being all snob and stiff in front of other people, but deep inside me, I've always known I'm still that child full of tantrums who was forced to grow up ahead of time.

And because of that "duplicity," I realized quite late how deep I already was in terms of catching myself from breaking the vow I said to my Father in Heaven. I always reasoned this way:
"Single pa rin naman ako ah? Wala akong boyfriend and I'm not looking. So wala namang masama sa pagkagusto ko sa kanya. Eh kung ayaw naman ni Lord sa kanya, matatanggap ko naman. Pero sana talaga siya na. He fits perfectly to MY ideals."

Thinking that my ideals are the ideals that God has for me, or for my God's best. Almost quite stupid, really. After reading three (3) books of Joshua Harris, I'm still doing what he said he had done when he was the one in my age. Really, reading the life of a Godly man is entirely different from living my life in a Godly way.

I remember that chapter from "Boy Meets Girl" where he wrote about sometimes, we really do wait. But then, in the course of this waiting, we tend to "gather and select" and then come asking God if He just missed in picking my God's best since that particular guy fits our righteous ideals perfectly. Boldly missing that however high we put our ideals, they can never match to what God has in plan for us. We think that what's good for us is also good for God. But that's the point we always miss! God doesn't want the good for us. He wants us to have the BEST!

Knowing all these, and yet I still stumbled and found myself devoting my time to making-up my boring self just to attract the guy who I think holds my heart. And yet I promised my heart to God until He finds it fit for me to meet that someone whom I can follow in terms of spirituality. A promise I broke quite easily.

Ecclesiastes 5: 5 talks about the betterment of not making a promise if you cannot keep it. But I still did. Even though this verse has been given to me since that day I've committed my singleness to God. I've let my mouth sin (v.6).

Some may say that 'promises are made to be broken' while some may condemn me of being a hypocrite for thinking that I can make a vow to the God almighty and still have the nerves to exploit it furthermore, but all I can say is that, however banal it may sound, it really takes a great shove with a respective fall or stumble for us to really know what it means to make a vow. Or even how to deal with the sins we repeatedly make and yet deny in ourselves.

I love God. He is my FIRST and LAST love. And even though I allowed myself to be deceived by the devil into channeling my love to someone else, I believe by asking for forgiveness, God can let me pick up the pieces and prove to Him that my vow is not a foolishness. I may still have a hard time in letting him go and my waiting of him, but I know, through God, nothing is possible.

Someday, when my heart is already right, God will reveal to me whom I've been waiting patiently for all along. And by that time, I will be overwhelmed by His grace and look back contentedly--I waited for His great plan.

And so, I want to say honestly that by now, I'm somehow still waiting for him--the guy whom I think I fell in love with--but I know, if it's not God's will, it will fade in God's time. And because of that, I'm very thankful that a favored child of God.

I'm sorry, Father , for breaking my vow and being a fool you warned me about. I'm sorry, Lord. Forgive me, Father. And I love You with all my heart. Let Your will be done, oh Lord. Hold my heart in Your holy hands.

In Jesus' mighty name, I pray, Amen. Amen. Amen.